Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'M ONLY HERE TO HELP

Maybe winter's already getting to me. Maybe it's spending two solid days doing the endless edit tweaks (lose 4 frames here, add a little blue to that close-up there) but I ended up reading deeper into the newspaper than normal this morning.

That's a symptom of Final Cut Pro avoidance.

Can somebody who works with or invented this editing software please explain why everything it does needs to be re-thought, re-rendered and reconfigured all day long!?!

Sure, it's only a couple of minutes here and 7-10 there, but it completely savages your creative train of thought. I spend my day trying not to scream, "I CAN'T THINK THIS SLOW".

And no wonder the CBC is shifting over to it. Those guys need ways to fill their days.

Anyway, I found BIG NEWS in the back pages of the paper and felt the urge to pass it on immediately.

10 MINUTES STARING AT BREASTS DAILY PROLONGS A MAN'S LIFE BY 5 YEARS


German research published in New England Journal of Medicine indicates that men staring at women's breasts prolong their lives by several years. "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and for 5 years, monitored the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the boob oglers (Is that a medical term?) presented lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

"There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." said Weatherby, who recommended that men over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized "D-cup" or larger.



So, there you have it! We can now be assured that Uninflected Images Juxtaposed will still be posting long after the rest of us are dead and gone.

Meanwhile, in a section the dog mauled and I can't seem to find online, there's another study which indicates the current WGA strike might be a good thing.

The Harvard Medical School has just completed research which indicates erectile dysfunction increases by up to 30% in men who watch television more than 30 hours a week.


The prescription for a healthy life for us males seems clear.

Forget the Big Media conglomerates and only create material for the internet. Make sure your television is only on for hockey, Victoria's Secret Christmas Specials and repeats of the Pam Anderson Roast.

And -- while you're working on those internet shows, always keep a tab open for Maxim and FHM.

Just trying to help.

7 comments:

Bill Cunningham said...

I watched the Victoria's Secret show on HD so I should be good for awhile. Do the health benefits include ass shots? If so I'm ready for a marathon.

So the next time I stare and a woman catches me and gives me a leer of disgust I can yell, "Whatta ya' tryin' to do - kill me?!!!"

That'll work.

Kelly J. Compeau said...

It just so happens I've got this month's issue of Maxim right here beside me, Jim, with Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover looking oh-so-fine in her barely there black lace bra, black leather racing gloves and blood red satin pencil skirt. *sigh* I'm in lust!

No, not with her....the shoes! God, I love those five inch black patent stilettos she wearing. Where can I get those?

KJC (who has a deep appreciation for the feminine form)

wcdixon said...

Vic Secret show in HD. Oh yes. Oh yes.

This article sounds soooo made up to justify some old scientists secret hobby fetish or something...but if it really honestly helps, I got lots of 'helpful' posts standing by.

wcdixon said...

Sorry, but this line just takes the cake:

"...said Weatherby, who recommended that men over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized "D-cup" or larger."

Did it say if it had to be live and in person? Or if they had to be real or not? So many questions...so many questions.

Brandon Laraby said...

YES!!

Behold the power of SCIENCE! :P

Bill Cunningham said...

I told you - religion cannot compete with science. This proves it.

OznAsia said...

This news is really good fun and I've discovered even more