Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Standings -- Round One


Across the country, Canadian writers born into the culture of hockey, men and women who could skate before they could walk, could deliver checks before they could read and shoot long before they would ever score, now stand askance. For a mad pulp bastard from a place where they golf DURING THE SEASON sits atop the playoff pool.

Sports talk radio will today be abuzz at this new example of how our great game is being screwed up by Americans.

We know Gary Bettman and the NY office of the NHL is behind this, Cunningham! We know he told you not to pick any Thrashers, even though they're practically your home team! And we also now suspect the league is secretly running this pool site since it puts you where you are over a good Canadian boy like Dix, merely because you're one letter closer to the top of the alphabet. ONE LETTER!!!!

Don't think this will be forgotten my supposed friend. Even now, from ocean to ocean to ocean (And how many countries can say that? Yes, we have a Left Coast, a Right Coast and one that goes aaaalllll the way between them!) anyway, all over those places in between, Canadian broadcasters are even now colluding to flood your airwaves with even more cooking, remodeling and yoga shows. Enjoy your prime time and your Saturday afternoon games, fella, because we'll own all those hours when nobody's watching! Ha!

Oh, yeah -- this week's standings....

1 Bill Cunningham 50
1 Will Dixon 50
3 Mark Farrell 45
4 Larry Raskin 42
5 Dave Moses 40
5 Jim Henshaw 40
7 Micah Reid 39
7 Denis McGrath 39
9 John Whaley 37
10 Juniper 35
11 Michael Foster 32
12 Mark Askwith 30

And please, people -- could we have a little trash talking here? Me and Dave Moses ranked as equals??? In some Battlestar Alternate Assbackward Universe perhaps...

And have any of you other tied players noticed that except for first place the other ties ARE NOT in alphabetical order??? I'm phoning those "Loose Change" guys or Rosie. There's definitely something going on here...

Check Will's site on Monday to see how the first round shook out and how many players you've got left. Oh, yeah and when you do -- that'll be me in first place.

12 comments:

Riddley Walker said...

Three coasts? Pfffft...

Our watery bit goes all the way round. So there!

DMc said...

The mad bastard whomps the game.
Curse you and your smooth shiny pate, Cunningham.

And Henshaw -- I'm thinking Farells gonna come from behind and wipe the smug right off ya.

jimhenshaw said...

Tough talk from a man one rung below on the ladder, DMC! Bring it on, Farrell! Cool confidence is often interpretted as smug -- until it's too late...

wcdixon said...

Yup - Farrell's quiet...too quiet.

I'm loving those Rangers but Nashville is getting whumped. I need the Red Wings and Devils to pull up their socks and dispose of the Flames and Lightning respectively or I will be hanging my head at the water cooler.

And Cunningham should be sending me half his points...that's all I'm going to say (he knows what I'm talking about)...

Juniper said...

There'll be shut-out points galore for me once Giguere is back in the game!!! Then who'll be laughing? Ha!

"He's gonna play someday, right?" she asks in a meek and uncertain tone.

Bill Cunningham said...

I have been nothing but upfront about this matter (my complete lack of understanding of the players or the teams) from the beginning, and given credit where it was due, Dix!

(who, fyi, kindly patted me on the head like a slow child wearing a football helmet and drool bucket, and pointed out where I was going wrong)

The fact the Gods have chosen me as their bald, new voice in Hockey, well...

Who am I to argue?

It simply shows their refined taste in sports information messiahs, and their appreciation of a less wind resistant competitor. I eagerly await the next rounds.

Bring it, bitches.

jimhenshaw said...

You're a class axt, Mr. Bastard!

Jutratest said...

I'm in last place, I have no right to trash talk anybody. Except that coniving bastard who picked Turco as his goalie. Who could guess he'd get two shut outs!

jimhenshaw said...

Second shutout and I get an extra point from Ribiero's assist on the lone goal...

I -- am -- the -- man!

wcdixon said...

F'in shutouts...

jimhenshaw said...

Indeed! And to learn how to trash talk effectively, I refer all poolies to Mr. Dixon's brilliant and hysterical mash-up from "Entourage" over at his place.

Mef said...

when tampa bay loses in about one minute i am dead, of that I am smugly confident.

i'm staring at last place when Vancouver tanks tomorrow.

farrell